Alive or Alone?

I usually don't like to go into great detail about my infamous break-up that I had reacted to horribly at the young age of fifteen. There are maybe a handful of people that know that entire story (and they were there), the rest being family members that I've told all the details to. It's an awkward thing for me, and something I'm not proud of. I still want to see the young man again, if anything to apologize. I like to pretend that it was all his fault, but come on, relationships work both ways.

I'm bringing this up, not to describe it, but to say how it changed me. How I changed in the eyes of people. I became better friends with a couple people, and worse with others. Some I don't even talk to anymore. Maybe not because of that incident, but it feels like that some days.

In my eyes, I had been young, reckless, and had never been explained to what love really meant. I flung myself hopelessly into a whirl wind of emotion that was my downfall. I find even now that I can't tell people. I feel flawed, or untrustworthy somehow. "Look at me, I dated too young and was a reckless moron." It's a shameful and naked feeling. We never did anything physical (not even hand holding) but somehow being in that relationship caused me so much hidden shame.

I had people tell me, people I opened up to, tell me, "Wow, you're emotional," and, "You overreacted big time." And somehow that added to shame. I was Christian, I went to church every Sunday, I participated, I was eager to learn, so why do I feel so empty and shameful? Why did I let it effect my relationship with God?

Years went by, and my relationship with God became desperate. I didn't know who I was anymore, who I was going to be, what was going to happen; I avoided people because I didn't want another   repeat that would showcase me as irresponsible.

I wasn't sure what to do, opinions about dating and courtship being thrown left in right, and not quite understanding what to do with myself. Which was right? Was it ok to date? My first experience had been bad, but did that make dating bad?

So I picked up Jason Evert, who worded it so beautifully that I was at peace, that I understood relationships finally. The first thing was he said, "I am not proposing that you build an impenetrable wall around your heart but that you guard it with prudence. We can wrestle over the terms courtship and dating , but the essential thing is to glorify God and act wisely." (Jason Evert, If You Really Loved Me.) And then he goes on to say, "Appreciate what you can do for God in your singleness." (Jason Evert, If You Really Loved Me.)

That figurative light bulb that hit me like a freight train destroyed me. Sure, I dated perhaps a little too young, but it wasn't dating that was my downfall, it was that I had inadvertently left God out of the equation. Never begin a relationship until you are responsible, and mature in his eyes, but don't ever think that either terms (courtship, or dating,) are bad. Society tells us one thing, God another.

 Sure, I'm single, but the things I can do for God have outweighed my want for a relationship. I continue to make good friends, but I'm more at peace than ever, especially because I've given my time to God. He owns all of it. He wants me in relationship he will give me one, but for now, I will glorify him happily in my single state, and while I still pray for my future spouse, I also thank God for allowing me time to fully give myself to him in my singleness.

Hope that helps,

Gwen